Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Today's Safe Word: I declare a War on Christmas!

I can be shallow and petty.* For example, I had a friend on Facebook, someone from college I didn't really remember. After she joined a Facebook group along the lines of "That's right, I said Merry Christmas," as in, "There's a War on Christmas, and we must fight back," I unfriended** her. (Because I take important moral stands, you see.)***

That did it for me. I've heard about this bullshit humbug War on Christmas, propagated by such luminaries as John Gibson and Bill O'Reilly, for too long. Why is it that people in power have to invent some ridiculous enemy charge at the gates to try and make themselves feel morally superior? These people clearly have no idea what war is, you know, with all the bombings, civilian deaths, destruction of infrastructure, mass evacuation and huge numbers of refugees. An actual war would include actual attacks on Christian religious institutions, not a holiday, for how would one attack a holiday? No more tacky nativity scenes?

So it's time: I declare a War on Christmas!

Come on, people, we can do this! We'll start with the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. Let's bring that crashing down on the ice-skating rink, which is clearly another Christian assault on our culture. Where are the great Jewish ice skaters, the great Muslim hockey players, the great Buddhist zamboni drivers? After that, we'll attack with our menorahs, which make great weapons for stabbing out the eyes of Christians, especially if they're all standing right next to one another. Onward to victory! We can do this!

*This is not news to people who know me.

**The word of the year, according to Oxford's U.S. dictionary program.

***I'm an atheist, but I celebrate Christmas with my appropriately non-religious family.

No comments: